I first deleted Reddit because of so much depressing news, hate, and doubt about authenticity ingrained in so many posts. Even the comments were often debated about whether they were made by bots. It became tiring to spend time there wondering if what I was reading was even real and worrying about the ramifications of reading fake media and the impact of AI stories on the world as a whole. So, I started there. I deleted it from my phone. Then I downloaded it again. Then I deleted it again, downloaded it again, deleted it, downloaded it, and deleted it again and again. Sometimes in the same day.

I couldn’t get away from it.

I even started using it through my web browser on my phone because I just wanted to look at it so much. I was compelled to do so. I wanted to know what was going on out there and what people thought about it. I still do, but the same problems still exist. You see how this is looking like an addiction, right? That’s because that’s what it is.

Is it an addiction to Reddit or my phone? I think it’s more to my phone than to Reddit itself. Or perhaps you could compare it to alcoholism? Let’s say I like all alcohol, and I like wine best. Reddit is wine (I realize Reddit isn’t fancy like wine, but stick with me lol), and Instagram and Facebook are like cocktails and beer. I enjoy both, but not as much. They’re all forms of the same problem, though. Which is that I’m addicted to using my phone. I wonder, though; I’ve always heard that “just one drink” is enough to throw an alcoholic off the wagon. If I were to look at these apps on my computer, is that my “just one drink”?

My battle with getting rid of Reddit has been difficult and frustrating, but getting rid of Instagram and Facebook was far easier. I don’t feel that I ever got anything of real, tangible value out of either one of them. Well, I guess selling a couple of things on Facebook Marketplace was pretty nice, apart from all the folks who tried to argue for heavy discounts or wanted to trade a motorcycle for some of my husband’s DJ gear. Other than that, though, I don’t think I did much of anything but waste time and get influenced to buy things that I didn’t need and didn’t really want either. It was much easier to separate myself from those apps, even though I did redownload them a couple of times.

Instagram was hard because friends would send me Reels, and I would get emails about the missed messages. Emails! Can you believe it? So I found myself in a loop of getting rid of it when I got fed up with the amount of time I would waste, and then getting an email about a message a friend had sent me. That would cause me to get on Instagram again, and I would look at the reel they sent and start scrolling off of it. Delete, download, rinse, and repeat.

That was the case until I decided to set the boundary with myself and my friends. If I got an email from Instagram about a message, I would text that friend, “Hey, I got an email saying that you messaged me on Instagram. I’m not on there anymore, so I won’t be able to see it.” And so far that’s worked great!

Facebook was a little difficult because I had fully deleted it from my phone and was committed to it being gone. Then, I had to start selling some things that I didn’t want anymore and was “forced” to redownload Facebook. (I say forced because what option is there that is better for selling niche pottery equipment or DJ gear? Not easy to ship, so it’s not really like eBay is an option, and Craigslist is a sketchy ghost town.) I would then be bombarded with messages from unserious buyers who I felt like I had to respond to immediately, or I would miss the sale. These messages are on Messenger, but it’s still Facebook, even if it is only a separate messaging app.

I do think that if I ever have to sell things again on Facebook, I’ll only use my computer in the future. I’m still not sure if that one drink will count as me falling off the wagon or lead to actually falling off the wagon, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I’d mentioned that I have actually used my web browser on my phone to look at Reddit, even though I’m trying to quit looking at it. It’s not really the only problem I have when it comes to relapses. Another thing I do when I want to look at my phone when I shouldn’t is shop. Sometimes it is for things that I actually do need to buy.

Right now we are renovating our home, and I frequently think of things that I need to buy from Lowe’s, like more paint, new brushes, tile, or light fixtures. So I frequently use my phone to shop for things for the renovation. And honestly, it sucks. Using my phone to buy different materials I need for this project is genuinely terrible. I’m not sure what it is, but any time I use my phone to buy things from Lowe’s, my cart will randomly empty. The things are still there, but the website says they’re not. I then have to go back to the home page and return to the cart. My things have magically reappeared, but it takes ages to load. Realistically, I should be using a laptop to buy this stuff anyway. It’ll take less time because these spastic glitches and digital freakouts don’t happen on a laptop.

So yeah, I do sometimes feel the need to shop from my phone, but I should probably just do it on my computer or laptop instead, just so it’ll be a more pleasant experience. I’ll also get the added benefit of spending less time shopping for boring stuff.

Then I can spend all my time shopping for or looking at fun stuff, right? Right?

No.

I love to shop. I could spend hours scrolling through my favorite stores’ websites. And that’s exactly what I did the other night while I was watching TV with my husband. I didn’t actually buy anything, which is good, but why was I even shopping if I didn’t need to buy anything in the first place?

Because I was anxious or depressed, or both.

At this point, I’m not sure which. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I was upset about something. And instead of just dealing with the emotions, I opened up the dopamine factory and started scrolling, imagining what it would be like if I bought this or that.

So then, if I am upset and I’m not supposed to hide in my phone, what do I do instead?

Legitimately, I don’t know the answer to this question as I’m typing it out. I do think it depends on what the cause of the distress is. The other night I was bothered by the fact that the renovations were going slowly because the tile for the backsplash was backordered, and the cabinets still look crooked. I was also frustrated because I didn’t have a kitchen, so I haven’t been able to cook anything except for what can go in a puny little toaster oven. Everything that goes in the kitchen is piled up in the dining room and covered in dust from all of the drywall sanding and general work on the house. My space doesn’t feel like it’s mine right now. It’s a disorganized, dusty mess right now. There are contractors there when I’m at home (and when I’m away), and I feel like I can’t do what I want to do. A lot of what I want to do is work on the renovations myself and get some painting done. So if I can’t do that, then I’m also behind schedule, and it’ll be even longer before I can put things back together.

I get so low sometimes that even when I do have the time, the weight of it all feels like it’s holding me back from moving forward. Then I sink deeper and deeper.

So, I pull out my phone and distract myself. Which obviously is the wrong answer. And look, just now, I got so caught up in what bothered me that I forgot I was trying to answer what I should do instead of being on my phone.

There’s the problem and an example of what it looks like. In this instance, where I was weighed down with worry over the house and was trying to watch TV with my husband, what should I have done instead of scrolling?

Probably something with my hands. We have a half-put-together LEGO moped on the shelf that I’ve been putting off or frequently forget it exists. I have a crochet blanket that’s gotten the same treatment for nearly two years at this point. I have numerous other crochet projects that I could work on as well, but I should finish this one first. I don’t always feel the need to do something when I’m watching TV, but sometimes I can’t do just one thing.

What do you do when you’re feeling like I did? Do you allow yourself to scroll? Do you have hobbies that you can do to keep your hands busy?